Monthly Features
Informational Articles
Healthy Recipes
Jokes and More Jokes
Caregiver Corner
"Laughter is the best medicine."
~Reader's Digest
"Laughter is an instant vacation."
~Milton Berle
"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
~Woody Allen
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down,
I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."
~Groucho Marx
"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."
~Victor Borge
Jokes and More Jokes
Senior New Ways publishes jokes and funny stories that will tickle your funny bone and uplift your spirit. Be sure to check back for a good laugh!
January 2013
The Rabbit and the Blonde:
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says:
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
December 2012
A little known fact.... The first testicular guard, the "Cup", was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
November 2012
Bob Hope said “I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor: “I am the world’s greatest housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.”
The waitress went over to fill the customer’s coffee cup. ”Regular?” she asked. ”Yes,” he said, “because I stay on a diet of fruit.”
October 2012
[FROM A CHURCH BULLETIN] Ladies, don’t forget the church rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
[FROM A CHURCH BULLETIN] The Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Ole and Lena got married, and were driving to San Jose. Ole put his hand on Lena’s knee. She said ”Ole, you can go farther than that” and so Ole drove to Sacramento.
April 2012
Personal Ads...
- Long-term Commitment: Recent Widow Who Has Just Buried Fourth Husband Looking for Someone to Round out a Six-Unit Plot. Dizziness, Fainting, Shortness of Breath Not a Problem.
- Memories: I Can Usually Remember Monday Through Thursday. If You Can Remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, Let's Put Our Two Heads Together.
March 2012
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin
deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?
~Jean Kerr
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to
test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the
video, your dog is smarter than you. ~Jay Leno
February 2012
Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,
"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said,"Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"
January 2012
A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD: Well, crap... Now I forgot what it was.
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
Mae West
Seize the moment. Remember all the women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
Erma Bombeck
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Yogi Berra
December 2011
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture,
brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being
so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters,
you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they
go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle
and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out
of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to
do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly
replies, 'Oh, yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll
hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head.'
November 2011
ETHNIC HUMOR FOR MIDWESTERNERS:
Ole had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Yet Lena had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know vat? You have been vith me all tru da bad times. Ven I got fired, you vere dare to support me. Ven my business failed, you vere dare. Ven I got shot, you vere by my side. Ven we lost da house, you stayed right here. Ven my health started failing, you vere still by my side... You know vhat Lena?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to tink you're bad luck....'
Ole was so excited to get a new cell phone, he decided to call when he was on his way home from town. He thumbed Lena's number as he turned on to the freeway.
"Lena put supper on, I'm on my vay home.
Lena says, "Be careful because I hear some nut is driving da wrong vay on da freeway."
"It's worse den dat Lena: where I'm at dare are a hundred cars going da wrong vay!"
October 2011
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty...'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.''
September 2011
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
August 2011
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
July 2011
An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
June 2011
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes: The other day,
I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir
performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!! I was stopped at a red light
at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is… and I didn’t
notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he
hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he
leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD!!
GO! Jesus Christ, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling
at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something
about a “sunny beach”…. I saw another waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson, in the back seat, what that meant. He said
that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone
from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing… why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars
and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed. I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning,
and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again,
and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed
the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last
time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
May 2011
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting...
there appears to be a need for
a STC (Senior Texting Code):
• ATD: At The Doctor's
• BFF: Best Friend Fainted
• BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
• BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
• CBM: Covered By Medicare
• CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
• DWI: Driving While Incontinent
• FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
• FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
• FYI: Found Your Insulin
I kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.
"No way am I getting on an air plane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said my mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground
when it's the pilot's time to go."
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma 'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
April 2011
A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt
when the signal was given,
so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and
the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as
the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"
A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor
for checkups.
The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things
down to help them remember.
Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go
to the kitchen for a snack. He asked his wife if she wanted anything.
"Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?" she asked.
"Sure," he replied.
"Do you think you should write that down to remember it?" she asked.
"No, I can remember that," he said.
"I'd like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?" she said.
"No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries," he said, becoming a little irritated.
"I'd like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down," she said.
"For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don't need to write it down.
A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream," he said, now more than a little irritated.
Off he went to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife stared at it for a moment and said, "Where's my toast?"
Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says,
"You know, I'm 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains.
You're about my age. How do you feel?"
The other guy says, "Oh, I feel like a newborn baby."
"Really," says the first guy.
"Yep," says the second one. "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."
March 2011
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning
heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk
what’s up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough
syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him
to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the
wall. "Look at him. He’s afraid to cough."
Have you ever had... A Really Bad Day. There was this guy at a bar,
just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes
the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man
starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll
buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall
asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me.
When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police said that they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left
my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the
gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you
show up and drink my poison."
February 2011
Laughter doesn't require teeth.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older. ~Doug Larson
Time and tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty. ~Robert Frost
Huh? My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
January 2011
Revision of 60s and 70s songs...
They just don't make the songs like they used to any more!!!!!!!
Some of the artists of the 60's and 70's are revising their hits
with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember
doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday. They include:
Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
Abba - Denture Queen
Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, And I'll Cry If I Want To
And Last but NOT least...
Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again